"The Breast is Best"

Many of my loyal fans have asked me what I'm going to do now that the tree sitters have given up their quest for... whatever it was that they wanted, and my only response has been to say that "wherever stupid hippies doing ridiculous things go, so shall Lil Sofs go." I didn't know when and where they would strike next, but I had a feeling it might have to do with PETA, and (as always) I was right. Take a look at the article below.

http://www.wptz.com/news/17539127/detail.html

Yes, you read that correctly. The hippies are proposing that Ben & Jerry's replace the cow's milk in ice cream - of which, remarkably, there is a lot in ice cream - with BREAST MILK. Like from human nipples. It makes mine hurt just to think about it. They list all sorts of reasons why people shouldn't drink dairy, like it hurts baby boy calves and causes diabetes and stuff, but you could say that about most things in life, right? Bottom line is, milk is delicious and creamy and hits the spot when you need a little refreshment with your chocolate cupcakes or CheezIts. From what I've gleaned about breast milk through the observation of female family members, breast milk is watery, unpredictable, and pretty unappealing taste-wise to anyone over the age of 2.

For my Cherry Garcia and Wavy Gravy, I think it's pretty crucial that Ben & Jerry's employ traditional creamery ingredients in their recipes for delicious coldness. The idea of drinking some unidentified woman's lactose makes me want to throw up a little. And to be honest, I know it's just the social taboo that grosses me out so much, and that yes, I am a human being, so yes, it would make sense to drink human milk versus cow milk. After all, who was the first person to look at a cow's udders and be like "I know! I'll squeeze these, and then drink whatever comes out, and everything will be FINE"? But for reals, there's just too much weirdness surrounding the issue. My dumbass ex-boyfriend and his dumbass best friend decided once that they should get a company together to market and sell breast milk. Their idea was to "support single moms" which is college boy code for "hopefully see some MILF boobies" and to carve out a little niche in the fetishism market. But even these two dumbasses abandoned this idea (though not before a detailed marketing plan and an initial investment into a personal ad recruiting "hot young moms eager to make a quick buck" on Craigslist, which did not render the right kind of applicants) because when they thought about it, they realized that the only people who might buy breast milk would either be dumbass college boys like themselves, who would thus have no money, or weird sex perverts who might be pedophiles too, or who at the very least have major mommy issues that they didn't want to foster.

Bottom line: teats = good, tits = not so much.