Book Review: Sweet Valley Confidential

The premise sounds simple enough to fool the American public, right? Take a series of novels created for pre-teen and teen girls from the late 80s and early 90s, fast-forward "ten" years from then to the present day, and write a follow up sequel marketed for the now adult women that used to read the books... It's the nation of Twilight, after all, when any half-ass piece of trash masquerading as kiddie lit can capture the hearts and minds of multiple generations. Unfortunately for SVC, Twilight has a more realistic plot, more compelling characters, and much better writing (and that's saying a fuckload) than this "revisit" does...


Poor Francine Pascal. She must be in her like 80s now, and FINALLY slow enough that when someone proposed a follow up to her blockbuster series, she thought it sounded like a good idea. In interviews, she proclaims something along the lines of "people care! They really care about the twins" which I can only imagine she truly believes. But anyway, the book opens after Jessica (the sassy, popular, bad-girl twin) has stolen THE LOVE OF HER SISTER'S LIFE TODD SOMETHING, who was honestly the only other real part of the Sweet Valley sisters that I vaguely remembered... Hot basketball jock falls for Elizabeth (smart, conscientious good-girl twin) in high school, they go to the same college and stay together, and we all think this is going to end well??? Come on now... The slutty one has a history of this sort of thing! But as the story unravels, we discover why Jessica has been hoing it out for Todd, and for how long, etc and in some ways we're supposed to feel like she's an awful person but then somehow the moral becomes that since TODD AND JESSICA ARE IN LOVE AND HAVE BEEN SECRETLY IN LOVE FOR YEARS IT'S ALL OKAY. Really? Because it didn't seem okay with Elizabeth, nor with anyone with any moral compass whatsoever.

So Elizabeth has fled to New York City to nurse her wounded heart and plot her revenge, all the while wallowing in self pity, engaging in semi-casual sex (do I really want to know that she cries after orgasm?? This is someone I met when she was FIFTEEN), and avoiding her sister's calls. Jessica, meanwhile, has spent her time fucking moving in with Todd, being ostracized from all her friends (oh my god! the town gossip thinks she's a slut for stealing her sister's fiance! imagine that!), and wallowing in self pity. The only thing that keeps her going is knowing that she's truly, truly in love with Todd (although we come to find out she's also managed to marry some older billionaire who marooned her in France) so everyone should just get over it, especially her sister, whom she calls often and leaves pathetic messages.

But Lizzie is trying to make it on her own a la Mary Tyler Moore, and succeeding a bit. She has a habit of meeting/befriending incredibly hot men and having deep intellectual (for this book) conversations and then deep intellectual thoughts about her post-breakup self afterwards. But of course she's going to have to face her demons in Sweet Valley before this whole trainwreck comes to a screeching halt.

Since I was a CHILD when I last read these books, I'm a little confused/amused at Pascal's description of twin-ness. Often Jessica "aches" for her sister and just desperately wants to be held in her arms, to affirm her own sense of self. This is disturbing for a variety of reasons, most of which I won't go into now, but come on... Creepy! Some of the descriptions honestly sound like the woman is describing lovers or something. There's always been a level of creepiness about the whole SVH series, but the perfect bodies, perfect lives (save for the occasional drug induced coma or car wreck), and awful dialogue could previously be overlooked due to cheerful stories - and probably the reader's age.

On an amusing note, guess who turns out to be gay??? Guess that's why he was such a Lothario in high school, right? And guess who beats cancer but is still a bitch? Etc. I actually applaud Pascal for being semi-realistic in how a lot of the characters end up, that would have to be the one redeeming quality of the novel. That, and I was able to read it in one evening between Teen Mom 2 and Colbert... There are many unhappy marriages, substance abuse problems, conservatives, and the aforementioned major gay splash that abound in the wrap up at the end of the tale. I would suggest just reading the epilogue and character notes at the end of the book in your local barnes and noble... It would save a lot of slogging through misguided attempts at a new plot and horrifyingly awful flashbacks.

Of course, if you're a fan of the old series, I still say read it. Many parts are hilarious, although perhaps not intentionally...