American Idol Premiere

Phewph! Like the majority of educated, intelligent, environmentally friendly, politically informed Americans, I've been eagerly anticipating the return of American Idol. I made a pledge to myself that if the show seemed no better than last year (the WORST EVER, I literally don't even remember who won) I wouldn't watch. But from the moment Stephen Tyler opened his perverted mouth and Jennifer Lopez took her rightful place back in the spotlight - she is like the hottest woman ever - I was sold! Auditions are auditions, you never know what's up, so here are my thoughts and predictions on this years contestants, now that it's into the voting stage. For those unfamiliar with my AI prediction skills, I'll just say that during the top 12 last year, I was pretty much unstoppable. :)

First up was Clint Jun Something. He was cute, sang Superstition (which I think was fitting bc it's super "karaoke" and he's a karaoke host) which I thought was just okay, but for some reason the judges were all about. I doubt he'll make it through, not good or hot enough.

Next came Jovany, who is super hot but lacks any personality. Fittingly, he sang that "I'll Be" song by Edwin something - fittingly because that song has no personality - and again, I was surprised at how much the judges liked it. I was starting to think they were doing that thing were they say everyone is off the chain so that people think the show is good but then again, he is pretty damn hot and has shown before he can sing in Spanish. Which he tots should have done last night. He has a 50/50 shot of making the final cut.

Finally shit started to kick off in my kind of direction - embarrassingly awful moments. Jordan Dorsey, who I find unlikeable mainly because of his treatment of the fat kid in Hollywood and because he just seems really stuck up and annoying, tried to sing OM fucking G by fucking Usher. Sorry, friend, but you just don't do that, especially without Will.I.Am backing you up. Seriously? Definitely won't make it.

I just had to look up who Tim Halperin was and what he sang, because I don't remember anything. Out.

Ah, Brett Lowenstern. Of course I love this kid for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that he's loud and proud to be Jewish, as evidenced by his immense Star of David necklace. I want it!!!! I'm not gonna lie, though, I thought the kid was good. I was momentarily confused when they panned to his family - he has two hot sisters and a really hot blonde mom? - but I got over it and just enjoyed watching the show as he tossed his orange locks about. I hope this kid makes it, but I don't think America is as enamored as I am.

So, the kid who went out on a limb and did some Judas Priest... While a clear attempt to harness his inner Adam Lambert (down to the scream at the end), I did very much enjoy his show. This kid knows how to be a rock star - he pandered to the crowd, to the TV audience, and most importantly, to Ryan, and he's gonna go far in life. Rock on, Justin. Jason? Oops, I think it was James. But he's definitely through.

Robbie Rosen, not so much. Another fellow member of the Chosen Tribe (as evidenced by his large... facial feature) sang Sarah MacLachlan. Really, Robbie? Really? Not only does she have an amazingly unique voice, but she's a she. Don't cross genders unless you're a total fucking queen - either Adam Lambert or my best friend Macy doing Guns N Roses. You have to have that extra special something.

Ah, Scotty McSomething. I hate country, and I LOVE this guy. Not since Kristy Lee Cook's God Bless the USA has a smarter song choice been made. Anything remotely patriotic is just fucking genius, and some country ballad about reading mom's letters from home to get strength for the battlefield is just some cutthroat competition. Love it. Also, he has a great voice, and considering apparently Americans are dumb enough to make country the number one music genre, he's clearly through.

Stefano was super average, nothing special. Won't go on.

So Paul McDonald, the Mick Jagger dancealike (not lookalike, but they move exactly the same, it's creepy) was great, but he's also just a 50/50 because most people probably won't "get" him, and I mean that in the least douchebaggy way possible.

And then, the love of my life (I think he's gay though) Jason Lusk took the stage. I enjoyed how the montage made a point of him being overdramatic and then cut to this kid with two fucking diamond earrings and a pink tie going fucking nuts on stage. He really is amazing. If he doesn't make it, I might stop watching. But he'll make it, because if he doesn't get the votes, he would be one of the wildcards no fucking doubt. Genius!

Aaaaaand Casey Abrams. I won't lie, I don't get the physical appeal, but he was fucking hilarious as he growled out I Put A Spell On You... I would definitely never have sex with him, but he reminds me of Zack Galifinakos (sp?) in that I think he's smarter than everyone around him and he's making fun of us all.

So I think the 6 guys (including wild card) that will go on are:

Jason
Scotty
Casey
Jovany
Brett
James